It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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