just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Randomize
