Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
