Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
