Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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