I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
