her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
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