Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
