Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
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