my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
