turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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