Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
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