Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
