bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize
