before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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