It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Randomize
