now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
