she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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