apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
