sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
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No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
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WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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