Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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