there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
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