Even the bartender felt bad for me
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
Randomize
