i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
