just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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