guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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