I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I think my fart just growled at me.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
