Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
