I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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