Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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