I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
did i just pee glitter
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
