Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
