You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Randomize
