I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
