So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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