Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
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