I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
