Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
