you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
