I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
