Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
