On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
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just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
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