New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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