Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
