Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
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