just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I could have mohawked her pubes.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero