Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted