Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Floor bacon is actually really good
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
