love makes seman taste better
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
