I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
It was confusing and full of hummus
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
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