someone threw a dead crab at me
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Randomize
