Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Randomize
