You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
