Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
