shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
