just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
